If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
