i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
