At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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