I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
