way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
