i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you traded sex for a burrito?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize