I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
