he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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