I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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