Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
