It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
