I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize