She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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