This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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