that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
