i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
