Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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