is your mom at the bar?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
