My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
