So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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