this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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