He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
