I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
