oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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