worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
