My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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