nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
there is puke in my bra ... again
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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