just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize