Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Terrible idea I love it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
