why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Life is so much better after having sex.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
