I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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