Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
