So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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