I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize