Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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