I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
