his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
