do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
did you just send me my own nude
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
