What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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