were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
