I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
