Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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