I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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