between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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