Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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