dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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