What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
