what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
