Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My vagina just recognized that song.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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