Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize