Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize