I have demons in me.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
