apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
