My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
