oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize