Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize