just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
