Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
